I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
