He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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