He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
