Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
