is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
