I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
