Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
