he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
