so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
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we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
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He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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