Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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