Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
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