Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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