Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
