dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
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It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
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I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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