Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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