believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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