So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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