Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
