I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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