Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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