Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
