You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
