So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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