My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
