I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
