i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
