I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Shame - the story of my life.
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