but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
