speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
