There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
