i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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