my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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