just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
