never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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