I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
