If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
