I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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