My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
