Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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