I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
