At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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