I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
