What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
