just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
