how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
