If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
