I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
