I haven't been this sober since birth.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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