I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Are we still banned from the library?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
They have beer where we have blood.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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