i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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