You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
