he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
