If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
