Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
