I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
