Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
