i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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