You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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